I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
