do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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