i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
