The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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