I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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