You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How does one acquire holy water?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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