I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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