okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
