Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
