I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
