my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
