I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
