just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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