You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
