fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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