I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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