i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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