You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Randomize
