I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
