She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
