Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
