those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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