im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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