I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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