One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
