"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
