I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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