i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
