We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
