i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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