I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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