i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
