This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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