Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
