Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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