So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
