We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
