i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
