How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
