i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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