i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
