I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
