I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
