I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
