Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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