Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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