and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
