xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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