hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
