i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
