I love black thongs
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
